Why have I invested three years of friendship into a friend that's just going to forget about me when I'm gone?

That's how I feel. Not because she's moving, not because I tend to make myself the "third wheel", it's just because I've finally realized that our friendship is pretty much one sided. And I guess in her case I understand. She's moved around her whole life, so when she does make friends, she doesn't grow too attached to them because she's afraid of moving, leaving, and having to make a new set of friends. She's constantly uprooted, so it's impossible to have a real home. Except for her family. Her Mom is her best friend, and her family is her real home.
Bull. Sure I've never been in that situation before, but you can have best friends besides your Mom, they're in a totally different species of best friend! Maybe I'm being selfish, but why is everything that I do for her not returned? That's not exactly the best way of wording it, but that's kind of a general way of saying it. Why do I feel that the friendship is one sided? I mean, I constantly have to make an effort to get something out of her, and the more I look back, the more I realize that it's ME that's pushing through the hallway to get her attention so that I can stop and say something, never HER. You know what I mean?
IT'S SO FREAKIN' FRUSTRATING!!
I feel like she's played the game of best friend, just going along with it, but I'm having so much trouble believing her. She's never told me that I'm her best friend, so does that mean that she really doesn't care about me as much as I do her? I think of her as a stinkin' sister, I've always seen her as a sister I never had. And yet I feel like it's not returned.
Let me just say that I can so relate to Mr. Cellophane.
She talks to everyone else so easily, but why not me? I just feel like I'm this annoying fly that has buzzed around her for the past three years, and she's been trying to gently spray bug poison on me, but I just haven't seen it because I was too busy buzzing.
I really don't think she'll miss me when I'm gone. She'll just move, keep in contact with Abbie, and Preston, and James, and Mary(and Hannah), and maybe Ryan. But me? Nah. I'm not worth the effort. I'm not popular like everyone else. Sure, they like me, but they probably wouldn't want to be in a room alone with me.
It makes me sad. I wanted to finish high school with her. I've always wanted that "partner in crime". You know, the one you can always count on? The one that you share a lifetime of memories with? But I guess I've been fooled. How silly of me.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe...I'm just making this all up and my tendency to over analyze everything is getting the better of me? Maybe my low self esteem is getting to me.
Never mind. I don't have low self esteem.
I just wish I could get a sign from her that I'm NOT making this up.
But somehow I have the feeling that I'm not going to get it.
Oh well. "I guess I'll move on, find other friends just as good, and forget about it"
FAT. CHANCE.
I hope I'm not just imagining this. I hope I'm not trusting our friendship enough at the time because of our lack our contact since Governor's School.
I hope I'm wrong.

Long week, good week, frustrating week, second to last week.

It's been a long week. But what else is knew. Though for summer break, it is a little weird to feel this way. Because HEY, anything is better than school!

.....I just realized that I don't really feel like talking. I just went on an hour walk with Mom, and I'm sleepy. It was really neat, there was a huge heat lightening storm a couple miles off in the distance, so we had a light show the entire time we were walking. Mom was freaking out, but I loved it :)

Anyways, I'm going to go to bed. Tomorrow is the last day of the Kid's Choir Camp I've been teaching out. I'm one of the teachers for the 2nd-3rd grade class, and I love it. At first I really didn't want to do it, because I'm not teaching any of the music portion of the camp. But then I realized that deep down(really, really deep) I'm good with kids, and I love kids! Even though they can really be a pain, and extremely immature. But I guess they're kids, so I just have to lighten up a bit. Tomorrow night is their performance, and I'm so excited to see them be amazing. They're going to do great :)

Did you know that next week is my last week of summer break? I'm . Not. Happy. I'm quite miserable just thinking about it. And it doesn't help that my choir has been moved to fourth period, which means that we do not have any guys anymore, because they'd rather do weight training than sing! It ticks me off. I'm so sick of it. I'm sick of Mrs. Bowen, of the lack of discipline and professionalism . Governor's School definitely opened my eyes, and I'm not going back to my naive state of mind that I used to be in.

Ok, I really better go, seeing as I'm starting to rant, and it's past midnight.

Goodnight world :)

Plans for next week? Sleeping in, trying to make my best friend realize that she's being a jerk to me, order new music books, work on pieces for vocal competition in September, READ, practice piano and violin, shop for school supplies, SLEEP, and maybe go to Dollywood and Splash Country *crosses fingers*

So yeah, that's what the rest of my summer looks like. I'm not complaining. Though it would be amazing if I could go back to Governor's School :)

Whoo Summer. So what? Governor's School is over :*(

So...it's been three weeks to the day since we performed the opera. Can I just say that that was one of the best nights of my life? Definitely in my top five. It was magical. I felt so accomplished, I felt like I really was talented and that I had a future, and I felt this immense love that was smothering the room. Those three together make the best feeling in the world. You'd be crazy to think that I don't miss it! Sure, there will "be other opportunities", but not like this one! Sure, they'll be memorable, but this group? We were special. We were a family. And I miss that.
But anyways, whether I like or not, I'm home. And I've had a busy few weeks.
Two weeks ago: Cousins yearly visit! They're so different from me. Not in a bad way of course! They're just not insanely artsy like me. But not everyone is, so that's OK. AND they LOVE/play soccer. Which I do not. At all. If anything, I don't like soccer. But we're cousins, so it's all good :) The two highlights of their visit: Our yearly trip to see Grandpa! He's 97, and has a lot of health problems, so we only get to see him once a year :( I hate that, because I feel like I could form a really close relationship with him if I saw him more. And when I write him, my aunt is always the one who writes back. So I rarely get to really have a conversation with him. UGH! But I still love him :) Our visit this year went really well, we went to his apartment, talked for a little while, then went to Golden Corral to get the senior discount and eat all the food we wanted. We ate, went back to his apartment, and left. Same as we do every year. But it was fun! And I(reluctantly) sang in front of everyone.
I'm weird. I have a thing about singing in front of family. Not if they're in the audience or anything, just when it's only them Don't ask me why, I know it's weird..
Anyways!
Overall it was a great visit :)
Now for my second highlight of the cousin's visit: Gun shooting!
Ok, technically Abbie and Amy rode horses, while I shot guns with the men. I don't ride horses, I don't know why, so I don't know. Back to the guns. That was the first time I shot a gun. It's important to know how to shoot a gun, so that you're not clueless if you're in some sort of trouble and you have to use one. To put it in a nutshell I killed a lot of leaves!! The leaves weren't the target BTW. Basically I sucked at aiming. But I can pull the trigger! Guns are loud. I don't know where I'm going with this, but it was a fun morning.
And last week was my big Lousianna trip! I love Louisianna :)
Here's what I did(sorry if my vocabulary is slowly shrinking, I'm very sleepy.)
Tuesday: Fishing day! We fished out in the bayous from 6 am until 2 pm! We almost died from the heat. Andrew and Uncle Matt are such intense fishers that you have to beg them(mostly Uncle Matt, even Andrew fades after noon) to leave! But it was a ton of fun. And I caught a fish! haha
Wednesday: Plantation day! We went to Oak Alley Plantation and Laura Plantation on River Road between Baton Rouge and New Orleans. Just in case you ever want to go :) It was amazing! They were simply beautiful. Oak Alley is gorgeous. They have 28 300 year old Live Oak trees, which are lined up along this walkway leading to the plantation. It's incredible.
Thursday: We left and drove to New Orleans that night. I love New Orleans, I love the history and culture. We at beignets at Cafe Du Mone, and walked around for about an hour before we left.
Friday: We woke up in Gulf Shores Alabama, and walked on the beach! I swam in the beach even though they advised for us not to get in the water. Though, there was no oil on the beach at all! Go figure. Overall we had a great time :)
Saturday: Home!
And now it's Tuesday, and tomorrow I'm going to this big leadership conference thingy with the family. Busy day!
Though I'd rather be singing and learning in class at Governor's School. I needed that kind of enviroment! I need the encouragement and the feeling of mutual understanding I got there! I have none of that at home....
But I can't let that keep me depressed!(even though it still is, and probably will for a long time.) So tomorrow will be fun, and hopefully I won't regret not going to be early!(since I have to be up at 4 am, Lovely.)
:)

Why is it that when you finally find your happy place, it gets taken away from you?

It's over.

We're all packing up, we've said our goodbyes, and we're about to go our seperate directions.

I HATE THIS!!

I've never felt so close to so many people in my life.

And never has the feeling been returned.

I'm going to miss them so much.

But as my Dad has been(constantly) reminding me, "all good things must come to an end, and you'll have more opportunities in the future".

Haha. Sounds like something a parent would say, doesn't it?

Anyways....

I'm feeling really distracted.

Thank you facebook. And packing. And my longing to stay here for years and years and years.

I think I'm going to sign off, but I want to devote an entire entry to how amazing and simply magical my opera night was. It was one of those nights that goes down in the Never Forget Best Time of You Life book.

Next time I write I will be home.

I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I guess we'll see when I get home, won't we?

Got to go, parents just showed up.

I'm going to miss it here so much!!!!

*sigh*

I really have to go now.

Goodby Governor's School, thank you for....everything.