That's how I feel. Not because she's moving, not because I tend to make myself the "third wheel", it's just because I've finally realized that our friendship is pretty much one sided. And I guess in her case I understand. She's moved around her whole life, so when she does make friends, she doesn't grow too attached to them because she's afraid of moving, leaving, and having to make a new set of friends. She's constantly uprooted, so it's impossible to have a real home. Except for her family. Her Mom is her best friend, and her family is her real home.
Bull. Sure I've never been in that situation before, but you can have best friends besides your Mom, they're in a totally different species of best friend! Maybe I'm being selfish, but why is everything that I do for her not returned? That's not exactly the best way of wording it, but that's kind of a general way of saying it. Why do I feel that the friendship is one sided? I mean, I constantly have to make an effort to get something out of her, and the more I look back, the more I realize that it's ME that's pushing through the hallway to get her attention so that I can stop and say something, never HER. You know what I mean?
IT'S SO FREAKIN' FRUSTRATING!!
I feel like she's played the game of best friend, just going along with it, but I'm having so much trouble believing her. She's never told me that I'm her best friend, so does that mean that she really doesn't care about me as much as I do her? I think of her as a stinkin' sister, I've always seen her as a sister I never had. And yet I feel like it's not returned.
Let me just say that I can so relate to Mr. Cellophane.
She talks to everyone else so easily, but why not me? I just feel like I'm this annoying fly that has buzzed around her for the past three years, and she's been trying to gently spray bug poison on me, but I just haven't seen it because I was too busy buzzing.
I really don't think she'll miss me when I'm gone. She'll just move, keep in contact with Abbie, and Preston, and James, and Mary(and Hannah), and maybe Ryan. But me? Nah. I'm not worth the effort. I'm not popular like everyone else. Sure, they like me, but they probably wouldn't want to be in a room alone with me.
It makes me sad. I wanted to finish high school with her. I've always wanted that "partner in crime". You know, the one you can always count on? The one that you share a lifetime of memories with? But I guess I've been fooled. How silly of me.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe...I'm just making this all up and my tendency to over analyze everything is getting the better of me? Maybe my low self esteem is getting to me.
Never mind. I don't have low self esteem.
I just wish I could get a sign from her that I'm NOT making this up.
But somehow I have the feeling that I'm not going to get it.
Oh well. "I guess I'll move on, find other friends just as good, and forget about it"
FAT. CHANCE.
I hope I'm not just imagining this. I hope I'm not trusting our friendship enough at the time because of our lack our contact since Governor's School.
I hope I'm wrong.
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